Dear Allies, Here's How You're Not Helping Aros
A few months ago we asked you to answer some questions for a video interview project in collaboration with Queerious Minds. The video Aromanticism Explored! - starring our secretary Alex - went wonderfully. The questions we asked didn’t make the final cut, but your responses are too good to hide away. Here’s some things aros want queer people to stop saying and doing.
Word count: 3600 words
Estimated reading time: approx. 17 mins
stop treating love as the answer to queerphobia. as a queer, aro and trans person, love isn't what i'm fighting for. i don't want to be loved, i want to be accepted and the huge focus on love in our community alienates not only loveless people, but also queer people for whom the fight was never about being allowed to love or not
Casey
I wish they would stop invalidating our identities. I wish they would stop judging the validity of an orientation based on how much we have suffered. Suffering isn't the basis of being queer. In this already divided world, the least we could do is respect each other's identities. The world already has too much hate to begin with.
Kalla
Stop saying that "love is everything" etc
Possum
Maybe don't put so much pressure on people to do romantic stuff, particularly in February. And stop assuming that if someone doesn't do romantic stuff then it means they don't care, people can show they care without having to fill a room with pink heart shaped stuff.
Riko
[Stop saying] that my aromantic and acespec identities aren’t part of my being queer, because it is just as much as my being mspec and genderqueer
Anon
[Stop] assuming two people will always get together even if they are only friends
Charlotte
I wish aromantics where included at least as much as aces. Also it would be cool if people would stop saying "being aro is sad :( poor you" every time I come out to them as aro.
Eugy
I would like others in the lgbtqia+ to understand that romance-repulsion is not the same as being romance-negative. I can celebrate a happy and healthy romantic relationship without wanting one for myself.
Pawn
I think just acknowledge aro people more and take some time to learn about aromanticism
Percy
Stop assuming everyone feels some kind of love
Neon
To queer allos: include aromantic (-spectrum) people in your awareness and activism. Just because asexuality is starting to be more widely recognised, that doesn’t automatically count for aromanticism too, and we are as invisible and ignored as ever.
To ace-spectrum folks: stop using language that invalidates and alienates aros, such as "aces can still fall in love," and help to boost uplift aromantic voices and stories.
NeeNee
That being LGBTQ+ is about who a person loves. It erases not only aromantics, but trans, nonbinary, genderqueer, etc. people as well.
Evgeniy
That's an essay, but the big thing is discrediting QPRs as 'just best friends'.
Anon
Start being more accepting. being gay is becoming more accessible - its more in the media and being talked more about and being taught more about. things like being gay and lesbian and bi (while none getting great rep) are becoming more known and understood. things like being aromatic are weird and dismissed and no one really bothers to look at it. also that we all feel absolutely no love. some dont, but the majority (i think) feel platonic love, familial love, love their friends, and even romantically (i know what a surprise). but being aromatic is a spectrum, its not just one set thing. some people are demiro or greyro or fluctuate. some aros are gay or bi or straight or poly. some aros have partners and kids and get married. some are ace, some aren’t
Max
Trans and nonbinary people have an issue with this as well, but "love is love" is not an inclusive slogan, and "we all love, same as you [straight people]" - I don't love, that's kind of the point. The obvious one is the gatekeeping of aros from the queer community, of course - thankfully, exclusionism has died down some over the last few years. Mostly I'd like other queer people to try to rid themselves of allonormative ideas, to prevent the little exclusions that come when you have the idea that everyone is looking for romance.
Bess
Try to stop believing that aromantic is inherently asexual. I'm allowed to exist as just aromantic. I'm complete as just aromantic.
Samuel
Stop saying that aromantic people are unfeeling monsters. We dont not feel. We just feel differently. The same way that sexual attraction isn't natural setting for asexual people the same way romantic attraction isn't natural setting for aromantic ones.
Tina
I want to get rid of a few phrases: “they’re just friends!” “But they can still feel /insert type of relationship/ love!” And just treating aromanticism like a subset of a sexuality in general.
Anon
Include us. Not as a branch for asexuality, but as an individual identity.
Anon
If I never have to hear that I'm valid for experiencing other kinds of love again, that would make me very happy.
Lee
There’s a lot of stuff. A lot of them say “You’re not really queer unless you’ve had a crush on your best friend,” which just sort of... isolates me. And it’s funny, I get it, but I can’t relate. Not to mention exclusionists who insist I’m “straight” when I am quite obviously not. Or aros being treated as dirty or incapable of love, especially alloaros. It can wear you down, especially when it comes from people who you thought would accept you.
Ren
Stop saying that we don’t belong in the Queer community. Also, stop thinking that we’re just awkward.
Anon
I guess I'd like there to be less emphasis on relationships in general. At my university's GSA, we had a meeting for asexuality awareness and there was a lot of "but this doesn't mean they don't want relationships! You can be asexual and romantic and that's OK!" but there wasn't any "And sometimes they don't want relationships either and that's OK!" I think we were supposed to have an aromanticism awareness meeting last spring, but well. Then a pandemic happened. I don't like the qualifier of "but they can still want relationships!" It's really alienating when you don't want romantic relationships but everyone assumes you do or that you have to in order to be normal. There's other kinds of relationships! Close platonic, found familial. Meaningful human connection doesn't have to come from coupling off.
Anon
I would love if people stopped treating aromanticism as a choice or preference, because it’s not.
Anon
please stop assuming all aros are aces. its very harmful. also every time an aro person does something 'extra friendly' stop taking it as flirting. its not. its just showing affection. also, pls stop using the word aromantic as an insult.. i promise you, it isn’t an insult.
meera/rae/ivy
[Stop] focusing on relationships as the only thing that can unify the whole community, talking about people being "just friends", treating aro representation as lesser queer rep than gay characters, or criticising it as being homophobic
Anon
The "discourse" about whether a-spec people are "queer enough" to be in queer spaces is exhausting. It seems disrespectful to try to make a hierarchy of oppression faced by queer people; saying that aspect people aren't discriminated against enough to be entitled to queer spaces is ass backwards logic. Or saying stuff like, "you'll find someone, don't worry!" And "that's so sad:(" and "oh, so your dick is broken?" Would be nice.
Anon
I would like the general queer community to change the priority. It looks like it's just lgb community, ignoring lots of other issues. I feel like an outsider because the topic continues to be romance. But I can't say much more since I haven't engaged with queer communities.
Anon
I would like them to just acknowledge that we exist without ignoring our own struggles. I would like for people to not deny our existence and to listen to the aromantic community so that misinformation is not spread. I wish people would stop treating aromantics as heartless robots and that they would stop saying "you'll find someone some day"
Shannon
I would like the rainbow community to acknowledge that romance is not something everyone desires, and to show explicit support for those of us in this position. Not everyone in the community wants a romantic relationship, and slogans like "love is love", while helpful for alloromantic queer people, are alienating to aromantics (not to mention people whose place in the community isn't about attraction, like trans people!).
Iris
That we're only included in the community if also gay or trans. Arophobia overlaps strongly with acephobia, biphobia, and also transphobia, especially for trans women and non-binary people. We don't belong here just because we can be allies to other people. We were always here from the start, and while everyone has different lives and needs, exclusion only makes us all more vulnerable.
Anon
Stop framing aros who choose to have sex as promiscuous or evil. Stop assuming aromanticism is just for white, cishet people (I, myself am a transgender, polysexual Latino person). Yes, even cisgender, heterosexual aromantics are queer, because aromanticism is inherently queer. Just talk to us. Communicate. Hear us out. We want to support you, but we need support too.
Magnus
[Stop] excluding aspec people from the community. In fact, stop excluding queer people from the community, full stop. No one has the right to dictate another’s identity or place in the queer community.
Anon
People tend to think being aromantic is “easier”. Easier than what, I don’t know. I’m a whole person on my own. I don’t need anyone else. Being aromantic is not “easy”, it’s who I am.
Anon
Listen to Aromantics. Explicitly include us. Stop erasing us. And stop destroying our community and our culture, and shaming us for taking part in them.
Penelope Epple
I want them to stop saying we're 'spicy straights' 'will want romance one day' 'it's just a phase' 'you're just trying to be special' 'you're just trying to take resources away from lgbt people'. You get the picture.
Nova
That aromanticism (and asexuality) aren't LGBT labels/don't exist. The queer community has way too much infighting for a demographic that's marginalized in basically every country. We need solidarity, not exclusion.
@malloen8C
I would like other queer/GSRM people to take us seriously as a queer identity and to not assume aromanticism is that same thing as asexuality or that if one is aromantic that they are automatically asexual. People of any sexual orientation can be any romantic orientation. It’s just assumed that if someone is a certain sexuality then they are also the corresponding romantic orientation, which isn’t always true.
Anon
Don't say we'll find someone
Anon
please stop saying aros who are not asexual are evil, also stop saying ace and aro is the same and don’t say you're gonna talk about aromanticism and talk exclusively only about asexuality experiences (implying they are the same), because even if you know the difference new people listening or reading you get confused and misinformed
Anon
I just want everyone to accept and respect other people’s identities
Anon
Stop saying “just friends.” Don’t imply that aros and aces are not queer or as queer as other queer identities. If someone comes out to you as aro or ace, don’t ask invasive questions or guilt trip them. Don’t imply that they have a duty to have sex, get married, have kids, etc. Don’t make fun of queerplatonic relationships or other relationships that are different than friendships or romantic/sexual relationships. Don’t call someone a player or demonize them if they just want to have sex without a romantic relationship. Don’t assume or make suggestive comments about close friends; you may make their friendship uncomfortable.
Anon
stop excluding us. stop emphasizing love as "what makes us human" or whatever. aros and aces experience the most intra-community oppression when it comes to queer people. stop insisting were holding ourselves back by being aro. stop trying to make us something we aren’t.
blur
Stop saying we're not part of your community?
Anon
Firstly, never assume someone who is aromantic is asexual, or someone who is asexual is aromantic. Aroaces do exist and should be heard in the community as much as anyone else, but never assume that everyone in the aspec community is aroace. Secondly, give alloaro's a better place in the community. We're a small part of the already small aro-spec community and we get talked over by people inside and outside the aspec community. Its almost more acceptable to be aroace then it is to be alloaro and that needs to change. Lastly, mainly for other aspecs, please recognize that everyone has different experiences in the community. Don't lump together acephobia and arophobia, both of which are very different experiences.
Eldie Marriot
We are valid. We exsist. I’d say listen, and accept.
Anon
Aromantic people can love others, it's just not in the same way as everyone else. There's platonic love, and other kinds of love. And aromantics aren't always asexuals, they can still experience sexual attraction!
Quoissant
I'd like to stop being viewed as a pariah by the lgbt community.
Daniel
That aromanticism “is not queer enough” or that we don’t belong in the LGBTQ community.
Danielle
I have three points.
1: There is a lot of denial against the Split Attraction Model (separating romantic, sexual, and other forms of attractions), even within queer people. Some individuals have separated romantic and sexual attractions; it is a thing and we should not invalidate it.
2: Some queers are saying that cisgenders aromantics/asexuals are not belonging in the LGBTQ+ community and are not queer, because they didn't went through the same experiences and that they are opening doors for worse identities to try to "sneak in" (Minot Attracted People are often used as an example). These people do not realize they are causing the same harm that the LGBTQ+ community was made to fight against. The LGBTQ+ is an open and diverse community for everyone with identities and attractions that are considered different than the widely accepted norm. Also, the LGBTQ+ community is not a private club where some decide who gets in or not. It is an open community where everyone is allowed, even cisgender straight allies.
3: Some are saying that non-asexual aromantics are "abusing" others. This is completely wrong and I shouldn't have to explain why. Stop doing that.
Cleridwen
I want other queer people to stop excluding us in conversations with the queer community. Some queer people also need to accept aromantics as a part of the queer community.
Liz
I would like them to stop gatekeeping. They shouldn’t invalidate others identities, just becuase they aren’t the same.
TNT
I mean, generally I've found queer folks to be swell and excellent. I'd appreciate the exclusionists who dismiss aromantic and asexual people to change their tune or fuck off, but otherwise I have no complaints.
Aric
Honestly, for people in general, not everything is about romance. Not every one even experiences romantic attraction.
Anonymous
That romantic love is what makes us human. Surprise - it's not!
Roses
id like for aromanticism to be considered its own thing, and for it to not be lumped in with asexuality as an afterthought. id also like for exclusionism in queer communities to be monitored better. thankfully, real world communities in my experience have been mostly accepting towards arospec (and acespec) identities, but in online communities its still a really huge problem, and im terrified of what will happen when the people in those online communities start interacting with aspec people in real life communities.
Anon
I'd like them to realize that we're part of the LGBTQ+ community as well and we're not "plants" or "robots"
V
Stop denying that aromanticism is part of the LGBTQ+ community. We are most definitely a minority orientation, and we most definitely get marginalized and oppressed by this amatonormative society, so it would be nice if the other queer people weren't adding to the hatred and misconceptions.
Mirror
It's cool that folks want romance! I think it's great, gay rights, love wins! Explore, have fun, make yourself happy. But when romance comes up in casual conversation, don't make the assumption that it's something that EVERYBODY needs, y'know? I can usually tell. It's important to a lot of people, absolutely, but the lack of such is just as important to others; and coexisting is just fine.
Mike
I wish that other queer people would stop assuming that aromanticism is just under asexuality and that you're only aromantic if you're also in the ace spectrum. I also wish people paid more attention or talked about aromanticism more.
Anon
[Stop] pretending that we don't exist.
Anon
I'd enjoy if people- specifically asexual people- to stop saying "We can still feel love!" because it alienates aromantic people.
Anon
Include us!!! Actively and by naming us, not just "some people don't really want romance" or some vague stuff like that. Acknowledge that we are queer too, that our voices matter and that we belong within the community
Anon
I’d like for other rainbow/queer people to stop saying we don’t belong, we feel lonely enough.
Avery
[Stop saying] the phrase "you just haven’t found the right person yet" and if like them to stop excluding aspec people
Anon
That aromantic people are straights looking for attention or Woke Points(tm). Or that aromanticism doesn't exist at all.
Lemon
Enjoy your friendships because they are important.
Becka
Stop saying "just friends" and "more than friends", it implies friendships are inherently lesser than romance (you can literally just say "friends/platonic" and "romantic" instead, no need for a hierarchy!). Don't assume people aren't aro just because they haven't said they are. Don't assume that everyone enjoys seeing romance. Don't abandon your friends just because you got into a romantic relationship. There's probably others but that's off the top of my head
Anon
Assuming i have a "trauma" that makes me this way. Or to make jokes about it. Not all of us need to be in a relationship or have sex to feel fulfilled.
Ash
More aroallo positivity! Allosexual aros get overlooked a lot, so it'd be nice to see.
Tommy
Well i first of all want people to know we exist, because there is no representation for us at pride. and that's already pretty hurtful. But i would also love for the "Everyone has a soulmate" to stop and especially the "Love makes us human" thing. and even the suggested replacement of "Love isn't just romantic" isn't great. I Just want to exist without people bothering me about my humanity.
calictii
We exist, and we can be aros without being ace
Anon
I guess people should apply less focus on romantic love and give some validation to sexual feelings too. And provide space for aro people too.
Anon
Please acknowledge and respect other people's identity
Samantha Black
Fixating queer culture around romantic attraction and relationships, or assuming anyone uncomfortable with romantic acts is a prude or bigot. Sayings like "(romantic) love is what makes us human!" might convince some homophobes, but further alienates other parts of your community. Also stop saying straight when you mean allocishet or not queer! There are PLENTY of straight people in the queer community (straight trans people, straight aspec people, etc) and we have just as much part in this community as (cis) gays!
Hilt
Stop assuming everyone has the same goals and values as you. Some people don't value romantic relationships even if they are alloromantic.
nemeacesis
Just because I have a partner doesn't mean we are in a romantic relationship. Please. Stop assuming that.
Pike
That aromantics aren't in the queer community
Anon
I'd like them to discuss our identities more and spread awareness. Also to stop acting like love is this special, magical thing that everyone has felt/needs to feel in order to live a fulfilling life. That includes platonic love.
Oscar
In general, I would like for other queer people to stop ignoring amatonormativity and put less focus on respectability politics of “love is love,” which alienates not only aromantic people but also trans, intersex or gender non-conforming people whose queerness is not necessarily focused on whom they love. I’d also like for other queer people to stop gatekeeping and not recognizing that the aromantic experience is an inherently queer experience.
Anon
I think they should be open to the aromantic community
Anon
Stop infantilizing and ignoring us. Stop writing off our experiences, words, and explorations of identity as "cringey." Accept the ways we describe ourselves and the ways we find community.
Ellis
I would like for more acceptance to just me made for aromantics, generally. Include us in pride posts if you're willing to include aces, talk about aros, and stop overemphasizing the importance of romantic love.
Shadow
Just leave us be. Don’t question us. We are valid.
Anon
I feel like they question our orientation way more than they would with any other, which is pretty annoying
Yamí
Aromanticism is valid without asexuality being attached to it
Hunter
Stop saying that we don’t need pride
Anon
Stop excluding aros from the queer community
Kristin
I would just like for aromanticism to get more attention and be well known. It’s frustrating when more than half the people around you have never even heard of your orientation. Also, people need to stop saying “you’ll find that perfect someone eventually.” It’s not reassuring, it’s invalidating to the aro community.
Anon
STOP equating aro with ace, STOP saying that "love is what makes us human" or "everyone loves just not always romantically" (because loveless aros exist). DO make your spaces inclusive of aros, especially in fandom. Decentralize the idea of romance and romantic partners (and partnering in general) in your life and in your media.
Twelve
Acknowledge aromanticism as inherently queer and not the same thing as asexuality.
Anon